Supporting the Call to Home and Family

Through the years, Faith at Work has attempted to support the church as the church has sought to support its people. In this article we look at the call to home/family. What follows are three modest ideas for how the church might better support this critical area of call.

1. Marriage and Family Are Call Decisions

There is an assumption out there someplace, that all of us are destined to be married and have children. Many people do follow that path. But are all called to this way? Listening to the Apostle Paul in I Corinthians, it sounds as if for some marriage and/or parenthood is the right path, and for others, it is not.

A good starting point for the church might be talking about decisions like committed relationship and parenthood in the language of call. Long before ‘premarital counseling’ (which in most places has ceased to be about discernment), churches might offer chances to explore this dimension of call. This could happen through sermons, small groups, and Christian Education. The emphasis would be on listening for God’s voice in each individual life.

I talked to a friend the other day who, with her husband, has decided not to have children. Early on, she had a great aunt who never married, and didn’t have children. There was something about her life that said to her, that will be my path too. Later she did decide to marry. And she and her husband a number of times considered having children. But each time they talked about it, they decided that it wasn’t right for them.

Like all decisions, theirs has meant some loss. (Most of us have moments where we wonder where our ‘road not taken’ would have led us.) But their decision has meant the opportunity to invest in the lives of other children, something they have done with great faithfulness. At the end of the conversation, I asked if she ever heard a sermon or anything in church that might have affirmed remaining single or not having children as a faithful option. She laughed and said, ‘Not even close’.

One of the hard things about discerning call is that it takes time, and the waiting is hard. A couple wants to have children, but children don’t come–is it time to keep trying, give up, or look into adoption? A person is wondering if divorce would be the lesser of two evils–time to give up on a marriage, or try one more time? A person wonders if the man/woman they are with is ‘the right one’. Who can help them listen for God’s voice in the midst of these agonizing decisions? Isn’t this the role of the church?

2. Just Say No...

I’ll never forget it. I had just finished encouraging, cajoling, (ok, begging) someone I knew at the church I was serving to be the Chair of the Deacon Committee. The next day I was talking to a pastor friend, who told me how she had just encouraged someone NOT to agree to be the Chair of the Deacons Committee. My friend talked about how hard it was, because she really wanted this person to fill that role. But at the same time she knew that the person was stretched too thin already, and his family life was suffering.

Sometimes the best thing that churches can do is to encourage people to say no. It is one more example of the way churches can acknowledge that people’s primary ministry is outside the church walls.

3. Equip People for Ministry in the Home

As a pastor, I often made the program life of the church a golden calf. If the church calendar looks full with lots of church programs, I must be doing a good job, or so goes the reasoning. This is especially true if the programs are for children and youth. (I received lots of support in this idol worship from laity by the way).

As many people have pointed out, parents are the primary Christian educators. And the primary classroom is not the Sunday school classes, but the home. John Westerhoff writes...

 If some children never seem to mature...it may be because the adults in their lives also stopped growing and so were unable to provide them with role models for growth and maturity. If we really love our children, if we really want them to grow in Christian faith, we need to spend more time working at our own growth in faith.” (Bringing Up Children in the Christian Faith, Winston Press, Inc.)

I think I had it wrong when I served the church. I wish I had spent more time trying to equip parents for their role as Christian educators than providing program. Once again, it requires an understanding that most ministry happens outside the walls of the church.

Thanks be to God for the church and its people, who can help us listen for God’s voice in the midst of the complexity.

The Mutual Ministry Project is a three year research effort to help the church support people for their ministry in daily life. It is called the Mutual Ministry Project out of the conviction that both pastors and laypeople are called to ministry, and that they need each other for support in the living out of our daily calls. The MMP is being led by Doug Wysockey-Johnson and Dick Broholm