Blindsided by Depression

By Sarah Maker Deyst

Have you ever found yourself caught in the gap between where you are and where you thought you’d be? Perhaps a job, a move, or a relationship turned out differently than you had envisioned.

For me, the experience of becoming a mother turned out very differently than I had envisioned. Before the birth of my first child, I bought into all the cultural messages that showed only the joyous side of becoming a mother. I had done well in school and had enjoyed a professional career. I thought having a baby would be a relatively smooth transition. How hard could it be to take care of a baby?

Very. Far from a smooth transition into motherhood, I was blindsided by the depression I had in the wake of having my first child. I was in a very dark place – in the gap between where I thought I’d be and where I was. During this time, I found solace in the story of the disciples on the Road to Emmaus.

Listen – Read Luke 24:13-35

In this passage, two lesser known disciples (not one of the Eleven) walk away from Jerusalem – a place representing great disappointment – towards the town of Emmaus. The text tells us that these disciples “had their hopes up that [Jesus] was the One, the One about to deliver Israel” (v.21*). Instead, Jesus – the one in whom they’d put their trust – had just been crucified in Jerusalem. I imagine these disciples felt not only disappointed and angry, but also betrayed for ever having believed Jesus was the Messiah. The text describes them as “long-faced, like they had lost their best friend” (v.17). They find themselves caught in the gap between what they’d hoped for and what is.

Imagine the scene as it might occur in your own life. Where are you in your journey? What do you leave behind? Towards what are you headed? What is the gap between what you’ve hoped for and what you’ve actually experienced?

Reflect – Read Luke 24:13-27 again

In this part of the story, the two disciples find support in sharing their disappointment with one another. Jesus joins them and asks what they’re talking about. Not recognizing him, and astounded by his ignorance, they respond, “Are you the only one in Jerusalem who hasn’t heard what’s happened during the last few days?” (v.18) As the three of them walk along, Jesus “point[s] out everything in the scriptures“ (v.27) that refer to the coming Messiah. In remembering God’s saving actions in the past, and hearing how the prophets point to God’s saving actions in the future, the disciples’ hearts begin “burning within” them, and they feel their hope rising (v.32, NRSV).

Q: Where do you find support during times of disappointment? Who helps you remember how God has been present in your life?

Connect – Read Luke 24:28-32 again

In this section, Jesus makes himself known to the disciples in the breaking of the bread. Up until this point, the disciples have not recognized Jesus. He has stayed with them and encouraged them in the midst of their grief.

A flame of hope began to burn within my own heart as I thought of how Jesus chose the ordinary act of sharing a simple meal to reveal himself to the disciples. Surely, Jesus would make himself known to me as well in the midst of the isolation, depression and anxiety I felt as a new mother. I prayed that God would open my eyes to Jesus’ Presence as I took care of my baby’s very ordinary basic needs for cuddling, bathing, feeding and diapering.

Q: Can you describe a time when Jesus walked with you even though you might not have recognized his Presence at the time?

Act – Read Luke 23:33-35 again

This final section describes how the disciples, even though it was still dark out, “didn’t waste a minute. They were up and on their way back to Jerusalem” – the place that had represented great disappointment just a little while earlier (v.33). The disciples make haste to share “everything that happened” in their encounter with the living Christ – the One who meets us where we are, the One who appears in the most ordinary places, the One who gently encourages, enlivens and delivers us out of the dark gap of disappointment into a new day of hope (v.35). Through Jesus’ sustaining Presence, and with the help of a good support system, I too found the courage to return with renewed hope to my own Jerusalem – my journey into motherhood.

In preparation for the next time you find yourself caught in the gap between where you are and where you thought you’d be, I invite you to consider the following:

• If you don’t already have a mentor or small group, consider finding or creating one, to help you see Jesus in your life.
• Pray to have your eyes opened to recognizing the Holy in your ordinary everyday tasks.
• Carry a small token in your pocket, or wear a piece of jewelry, that can function as a reminder of Jesus’ Presence with you.
• Keep a journal in which you write down where you suspect you may have met the Holy. With hindsight, you just may see how the Holy has made Him/Herself known to you in the most ordinary and unexpected of ways.

*Unless otherwise stated, all quoted passages were taken from The Message: The Bible In Contemporary Language by Eugene Peterson.

Sarah Maker Deyst lives with her husband and two daughters in Boxborough, MA. She may be reached at sarahhmaker@comcast.net.