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Whole Parents Make Good Parents

by Amy Waelchli

About five months into my pregnancy with Carter, the emotional load of parenting loomed. It began to shift my relationship with my husband, Paul. How could it not change? Yet, naively, this aspect of pregnancy and parenting never occurred to me. Most disturbingly, no one I knew, or read, addressed the issue.

I began to feel guilty for missing our carefree, childless marriage. If others felt that way, they would mention it…right? My guilt shamed me into silence. Who could possibly understand? Other aspects of pregnancy also took me by surprise. In a very real sense I felt sabotaged by other mothers. Why don't they tell you about all the physical and emotional aspects of pregnancy? Why don't we have shirts or hats or tattoos that read: '40 weeks = 10 months, not 9!' Where are the clubs for parents that focus on survival and sanity, not play dates?

Whose Community

With the birth of our healthy son, my needs and questions increased 100 fold. Yet I lacked both a language to express myself and a community in which to find support. (This is ironic since at the time I was attending seminary, living in a willing and loving community.) I sought some help from neighbors, but remained tongue tied about what I needed. I just could not describe what I desired.

Each encounter left me feeling emptier. I tried joining mother's groups in my community, but they focused on the children not the mothers. Again and again I felt unsatisfied which eventually lead me to believe the problem existed solely with me. Other mothers apparently did not need help or camaraderie for themselves in order to feel whole in this new role. The other mothers I encountered appeared completely satisfied, harboring no needs for self care whatsoever.

Finding my Voice

In hindsight I can articulate my needs as a new parent: presence without pity, affirmation without advice, and support without shame.

And I wasn't the only one in my marriage who longed for parenting support. Paul often read parenting books and articles geared toward men which left him dissatisfied. They failed to honor him as a parent, to address his growing edges. Men are much more than the "baby sitters" many publications call them.

So what about the personal well-being of the parents? How do we communally and individually nourish this too? What we longed to hear went unsaid and unpublished. That is, whole parents make good parents. Nurturing yourself is self care, not selfish. Wholeness as parents comes from seeing God as our divine parent and recognizing the spiritual gift of parenting.

The Spirituality of Parenting

Looking to the Bible, we find plenty of references to God as divine parent. This parenting metaphor resonates not because we are or can be perfect parents. No, we embrace this metaphor because it speaks to us as children, God's children. Nourishment as parents, as people, comes when we feel enriched as children by God's presence and promise. God declares to us from the prophet Isaiah:

    Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
    And have no compassion on the child she has borne?
    Though she may forget,
    I will not forget you!
                         Isaiah 49:15

God cannot forget us. In fact this is a pledge of God's unwillingness to do so. Like the intimacy of a nursing mother with her child, God's bond with us is even stronger. God's presence remains with God's children throughout all our life stages. Even when we ourselves become parents, we remain children of God.

God's promise to us in Jesus Christ also abides. Jesus preaches on this in Luke saying:

    Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead?
    Of if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion?
    If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children,
    How much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask?
                          Luke 11:11-13

How much more will God give to us, God's children? As we journey in this life, we require presence, affirmation, and support. How much stronger these gifts become when we recognize that God is at work in them. The spirituality of parenting is God's gift to each of us. Entwined in the presence, affirmation, and support of the living, triune God we revel in our identity as Christ's child.

Calling

This identity calls me forth to be present, to affirm, and support other parents. Truly I need these aspects of a community in Christ myself. But I've learned that when something is missing in your life you ought to listen carefully to God. Perhaps you're being called to give what you yourself miss.

Amy Waelchli holds a master's degree in theology from Wartburg Theological Seminary and focuses her work & writing on the meaning of being a child of God in relationship with other children.

*If you'd like to join an online parenting community of presence, affirmation, and support go to Amy's blog or email Amy at achristchild@gmail.com.